How to become a German Christmas grinch

Welcome to the small guide of how to get a feeling for the German Xmas traditions. Maybe you wondered before, how this silly people celebrates the Fest of joy and love in times, when Americans and British intelligence agencies spy on them and nobody seems to care. To get yourself into the mood for understanding us, this guide will help you by telling you, what they do to get in the mood. Let’s ring those bells!

  • First of all, you want to have the right music to enjoy. To simulate a German radio station playlist around holiday time, you want to put together a few songs, playing in a loop:
  • Second, ask your grandparents, if they have some World War II AA gun light to light your neighbours house as well as possible. If that doesn’t work out, holiday lights and a dancing Santa will work perfectly fine. This tradition actually dates back to the tradition of making your annoying neighbor an easy target for allied bombing, claiming the grundstück afterwards. So please make sure to make his house brighter than yours.
  • Go and buy a lot of Spekulatius (speculoos), Lebkuchen (ginger bread) and peanuts. If your neighbor stops by to gift you some homemade ‘Plätzchen’, don’t eat them. He might’ve poisoned them to fast forward to claim you house, as soon as you died. Never trust your neighbor!
    It’s definitely accepted to try and poison your neighbor. Nobody likes him anyway with his early bird Schneeschippen every day, clearing only his part of the walkway and throwing all of his snow on the other’s grounds for them to deal with it.
  • You may drink a lot of Alcohol at this time, as nobody can survive the holidays being sober without any brain damage. Also, your neighbor might kill you and there is no reason for you, to not have fun before that. The drink of choice is Beer (as always) and Glühwein, which is known as mulled wine in English speaking countries. To speed up the act of getting you and your neighbor’s wife drunk, a true German will always add rum or amaretto, even if he doesn’t like it. Some midgets will add apple juice, claiming it’s whiskey or for the taste, but they are just losers and don’t even deserve mentioning.
  • Don’t start shopping for presents until the 24th of December. That’s when everybody goes nuts, because they didn’t start buying presents earlier. So if you go shopping not one day earlier, you will look like a true German and nobody will notice, if you put some poison in your neighbor’s Glühwein.
  • Try some famous Schupfnudeln mit Sauerkraut or a Bratwurst which has nothing to do with the stuff you get offered at home labeled “German”. It’s just not right.
  • Drink more Glühwein

If you follow these steps, you will automatically integrate in our society, being undetectable while you try to kill your neighbor or read our text messages for national security. We’re no terrorists, we just like to party, drink and we don’t like that one guy, who is constantly bragging about national security. Because if you die drunk, you will eventually ascend to drunk heaven, which is like heaven, but drunk and a lot more fun. And maybe, one day, we will play beer pong together at the Olympics, thinking back to the days of stubborn politicians making decisions nobody likes. Enjoy and merry Christmas!

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